Jon D. Markman of CNBC and MSN Money consider yourself on notice.1
We Canucks have stumbled upon your evil plan to invade Alberta
and we are setting down our Timbits and Double Doubles just long enough to kick your butt.2
In fact, Prime Minister Harper has already diverted five patrols of armed snowmobiling soldiers
to defend the 49th from your invading forces in a sovereignty campaign that has been cleverly codenamed "Operation Nunalivut". While your troops are setting down their arms and picking up their Inuktitut to English dictionaries, we plan to have Gwyneth Paltrow hurl insults
your way, thus decreasing troop morale. Just when you think that it can't get any worse, we will bring in our big gun - newspaper carrier Danny Atkinson
. Snowball after snowball will be hurtled towards you and your troops until you retreat in tears from the bitter cold. You had better hope that you can run fast, Mr. Markman, because we Canucks begin our training in the martial art of the "face wash
" at a very early age.
As we are a peaceful nation, the second battle of Operation Nunalivut will not take place in the True North Strong and Free. For years now, the Canadian government has been fostering sleeper cells of its Expat Militia
within the United States. These brave troops have sacrificed their cultural identity and their ketchup chips in order to work and live among Americans. Apart from the rare slip of an "eh" or an "aboot", these stealth Canadians
have managed to hide their heritage and be completely accepted by the American masses. Beware that these troops have been acquiring vast quantities of maple syrup
since they were given the green light on Operation Annexation
months ago. In fact, some of our forces have already infiltrated your government
, Mr.Markman, and have already made their way up to being 888th in line for succession to the presidency of your nation.
Oh yes, Mr. Markman, you are on notice.1 My apologies to Stephen Colbert and his "truthiness".2 In the figurative sense. We are Canadian, after all.