City officials in Manhattan are baffled by the sweet smell of maple syrup that has been wafting over the city
in recent months. Reports to the city's 311 help line and to the fire department spurred New York's Department of Environmental Protection to send out its hazardous materials team to take readings from the neighbourhoods where the reports originated. While the air has been deemed safe, city officials still do not know what has been causing the smell.
Fortunately for Canadians, the sweet scent of maple syrup has distracted New Yorkers from Canada's final battle plans in Operation: Annexation. According to a source, who wished to be identified as Mr.Big, "Maple syrup is not just a sugary treat; it's also a weapon
. In fact, it's standard issue for Canadian soldiers! The maple syrup has a dual purpose: for energy in times of low food supply and it can render the most resilient military hardware completely ineffective by permanently gumming up any operating mechanical mechanisms." Mr.Big went on to quote the movie Canadian Bacon
,"Like maple syrup, Canada's evil oozes over the United States".
When Prime Minister Paul Martin was contacted for comment from Winnipeg, where he was busy applauding a group of women entrepreneurs
, he said, "......."
Unable to hear the Prime Minister's remark above the applause, our reporter asked him to repeat himself. "Maple syrup," Martin repeated, "I think that you had better ask the Pancake Breakfast King
Initially, King Harper refused to comment on any questions regarding syrup - maple, corn, golden, or otherwise. "You are definitely late on the wagon," said Mr.Harper. "All of the breakfast jokes died out back in mid-August." Before walking away in disgust, Harper asked "What is next? A Photoshop contest based on me dressed as a cowboy?"
It was then that Canadian Expatriates
learned of Harper's plans to announce that, if elected, the new Conservative government will significantly increase spending on defence
. According to a high level Harper aide, the purpose of this "Canada First" strategy is to enhance Canadian sovereignty by acquiring strategic lift aircraft, creating a new airborne battalion, and doubling the size of Canada's Disaster Assistance Response Team (DART). A leaked document also suggests that the proposed budget for the program includes wholesale volumes of maple syrup.
Wanting to present balanced coverage of this story at election time, BQ leader Gilles Duceppe and NDP leader Jack Layton were both asked to comment on Harper's "Canada First" strategy. When asked specifically about Harper's proposed expenditures on maple syrup, Duceppe answered, "Referendum"
. When asked about the Bush administration's recent rebuke of Paul Martin
, Duceppe also answered, "Referendum". When asked for directions to the closest Tim Hortons, Duceppe again answered, "Referendum". Our frustrated reporter gave up on the one-issue leader and caught up with Layton on the campaign trail. Amid cries of "Ice cold beer
!" and "Get your popcorn!", Layton was found sitting at a table and selling Bingo cards
in a senior citizen's centre in Regina. Asked about Harper's plans, Layton responded, "Give 'em all the boot!"