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The eDiscussion runs from April 4 to May 6, 2005. At its conclusion, a summary of the discussion will be sent to senior policy planners.

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The Official Rules of Engagement for Tim Hortons

The following has been circulating on the internet in an effort to make the Canada a better place to live.


1. When you enter a Tim Hortons and see a line to one side of the restaurant that DOES NOT mean that you can start another line on the other side.

Penalty: Too many lines. People guilty of this infraction must buy coffee for everyone in the original line.


2. If you cannot see the doughnut you want available in the display you CANNOT ask for it since the server will then go into the back and eventually return to tell you that - guess what - they don't have it!

Penalty: Delay of game. People guilty of this infraction must return to the end of the line.


3. The drive-through is for ordering coffee and doughnuts ONLY. If you need to order a sandwich or soup get out of your car and go inside you lazy slob! It take too long and they'll probably get your order wrong anyway, so save some greenhouse emissions and remember - NO ORDERING FOOD IN THE DRIVE-THROUGH!

Penalty: Over ordering. People guilty of this infraction will have their tires deflated on the spot.


4. Cleaning the hot chocolate and flavoured coffee machines is FORBIDDEN during times of the day where there are actually customers in the store. What kind of business takes a product off-line in the middle of the day!?

Penalty: Unnecessary cleanliness. Staff guilty of this infraction will be forced to eat hot, spicy food, then placed in restraints just out of reach of a nice cool glass of water for an hour.


5. Placing the lids on the "to-go" cups so that the drink opening lines up with the crease in the cup is a crime against humanity since it has the same effect as gag dribble cups. Plus, exactly how hard is it to miss that crease when placing the lid on anyway? Yet it seems to happen more than 50% of the time.

Penalty: Illegal lid on the crease. Staff guilty of this must floss with barbed wire for a week.


6. Franchise owners who open up a store with a drive-through that can't handle at least 10 cars in line are a traffic menace. Caffeine addiction is a scary thing that will cause people to stop dead on busy streets just to keep a position in line at the drive-through.

Penalty: Interference. Owners guilty of this infraction will be forced to order their meals via the empty Wendy's drive-through next door for a month.


7. Going on a coffee run to Tim's for five or more people is a non-starter. First, you'll never remember what everyone ordered correctly. Second, you don't have a hope in hell of carrying that stuff back to your car. Finally, it will take too long!!! That nice person behind you in line was under the impression that you were just going to order coffee and go. BUT NO, you have to take 5-10 minutes of our lives while you botch the order and then juggle the cups back to your vehicle. Get some backbone - force others to come with you. No more than two orders per person thank you!

Penalty: Over two minutes warning. People guilty of this infraction will be forced to drink ALL the coffee they have ordered and eat ALL the food. Doing this same infraction through the drive-through = public flogging.


8. During Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win time all cups left unattended and unrolled for more than one minute are free game to anyone else. Since we know all the really good prizes are meant for people in Ontario we've only got a limited shot at anything decent so watch your cups!

Penalty: Ineligible roller. People guilty of this infraction must forfeit any prizes won past or present to the new roller.


9. Staff who fail to recognize that you are a creature of habit and order the same thing everyday for a year at the same Tim Hortons and still meet you with blank stares and an indifferent "What can I get you?" are inflicting an inhumane mental torture. Isn't that what the commercials are all about? Where are the smiles and a hearty "The usual, Bob?"

Penalty: Incomplete recognition. Staff guilty of this infraction must be subjected to proof of identity and a strip search every time they try to pick up their paycheck.


10. Showing up at your son / daughter's hockey game with a coffee from another outlet other than Tim Hortons is VERBOTEN! What are you - some kind of trouble maker? Don't you know the way we do things around here?

Penalty: Illegal coffee. People guilty of this infraction must clean the ice with their tongues between periods.


Hopefully if all of Canada buys into these rules we'll have a safer, more productive society.