Unless, you are the Canadian women's hockey team. In that case, performing your best will earn you some angry emails
as a reward.
Melody Davidson, coach of the Canuck women's hockey team, received the emails on Sunday after the Canadian women slaughtered the Italians in a 16-0 victory. Many of the emails accused Canada of "running up the score against the hopelessly mis-matched Italians".
When speaking about the emails, Coach Davidson said, "These girls have worked hard to be here and we would take things away from our team and our opponents and everybody involved if we didn't compete as hard as we could and if we didn't do everything we could to put us where we want to be." Canada then went on to thrash Russia 12-0.
With two huge wins under their belt, it has become clear that Team Canada has an unfair advantage on the ice. Canadian Expatriates
contacted whistleblower and internet troll Buke Lacktavose to examine this advantage. When asked for comment, Lacktavose responded
, "The way you ran up the score against Italy was simply disgusting. I will never buy Hamburger Helper again!". He then went on to say
, "That Hamburger Helper must help out alot!!!"
Beneath the anger, beneath the rage, it is obvious that Lacktavose places the blame for Italy and Germany's embarrassing losses directly upon the only natural ingredient in a prepared dish of Hamburger Helper
- the beef. Of course, being in Canada, it is Canadian beef that is to blame. For years now, the United States, Japan, South Korea, Australia and other countries have tried to sway Canada away from this unfair advantage by way of scare tactics
. To the Canadian government's credit, Canada did not give in to the mass hysteria and now the other nations are paying for it on the ice.
When contacted for comment, the International Olympic Committee declined to release an official statement on the matter. However, a high ranking official did say off-the-record that the IOC is currently looking into this scandal and is considering adding Canadian beef to its list of banned anabolic agents.