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    Monday, November 07, 2005

    Canada's New PC Anthem
    by Expat

    Canada's offensive national anthem:

    O Canada!
    Our home and native land!
    True patriot love in all thy sons command.
    With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
    The True North strong and free!
    From far and wide,
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
    God keep our land glorious and free!
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

    Our national anthem is very offensive to everyone. It must be changed!

    We have identified 13 separate offenses in the national anthem, as follows:

    1. "Our home and native land" - Some people are not originally from here; therefore, not native. Also some people, such as servicemen and Canadian foreign diplomats, do not have their home here either. They should be very offended.

    2. "Thy sons" - We know all about the ire these words raise with our "daughters"!

    3. "Glowing hearts" - This is offensive to the many Canadians with non-glowing organs.

    4. "We see thee rise" - This is obviously an attack on those who live closer to sea level. The phrase was originally included because of demand from the leaders of Upper Canada. Their distaste was directed to those in Lower Canada - Quebec. Therefore, the Quebecois should feel especially alienated by this phrase.

    5. "The true north" - This offends scientists and navigators who rely more heavily on "magnetic" north.

    6. "Strong" - Now, talk about a jibe directed toward the most helpless of society. This is a malicious attack on the sick, children, and other Canadians who otherwise don't get off the couch enough to become "strong".

    7. "Free" - This phrase is very offensive to Canadian prisoners.

    8. "And wide" - Persons of substantial girth should unite against the use of this word.

    9. "God keep our land" - This is offensive to atheists, spiritualists, and those who follow religions which are not monotheistic. I am certain they are not ready to give the land to "God" and certainly not to "keep"!

    10. "Glorious" - People from less glorious cities and regions might prefer "economically competitive" or "industrialized".

    11. "And free" - There it is again!

    12. "We stand" - Many Canadians are physically unable to stand. They should not be made to feel less Canadian because of this.

    13. "On guard for thee" - Those not working in the military or other security-oriented positions (such as mall cops) are made to feel second class citizens because they are not actively fulfilling their duty of protecting Canada. Just to add insult to injury, we sing this line twice.

    The proposed alternative:

    Given that the national anthem is so offensive to so many, we should formulate a national anthem without lyrics, perhaps replacing words with whistling or hand actions. Before this is done, hand-free Canadians who cannot whistle should be thoroughly consulted about their sensitivities (perhaps an alternative "eye-blinking" or "breathing" sequence could be introduced in place of hand actions).

    Alternately, we could translate the National Anthem into a language that nobody speaks (perhaps Latin or Esperanto). Is it possible to offend someone when they don't understand what they are saying? To satisfy the Latin scholars and those of the Bahai faith, an alternative might be developing a distinctly Canadian language. Some of the adjectives introduced by the Teletubbies children's television show could be just what we need to inspire the nation. What could Tinky-winky ever do to offend?

    Finally, a more cost-effective solution would be to sing the words "O Canada" over and over again to the same music. It might be a bit choppy though:

    O Canada!
    O Ca-na-na-na-da!
    O Ca-nada O Ca-na-na-na-da.
    O Canada O Canada,
    O Ca-na-na-na-da!
    O Canada,
    O Canada, O Ca-na-na-na-da.
    O Ca-nada, O Ca-nada!
    O Canada, O Ca-na-na-na-da.
    O Canada, O Ca-na-na-na-da.

    Collected from the internet.

    Posted by Expat at 10:17 AM

    Wouldn't that offend those with a stuttering speech impediment? (Or would it hono(u)r them because it makes everyone sound the same? I can't even keep track of when people are supposed to be offended.)

    And surely we can do something for those people who confuse "Ohs" and "0s"? Zero Canada? What that?

    Ca-na-da Ca-
    Na-da Ca-na-da Ca-
    Na-da Ca-na- da Ca-na-da Ca-na-
    Canada Ca-na- Da Ca-na-da
    Canada Ca-na- Da Ca-
    Na-da Canada Ca-na-da Ca-na-
    Da Ca-nada Ca-na-
    Canada Ca-na- Da- Ca-nada

    C'est bilingue, and it shouldn't offend anybody, should it?

    Oops. Missed two Da's.


    When I was in school there was a slightly altered, if grammatically awkward version, which replaced "thy sons" with "of us", i.e., "in all of us command". Seriously. That was an early or mid-70's thing in a very progressive school in Toronto, and I guess it didn't catch on.

    Posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 12:46 AM, November 08, 2005  

    We should just change it to the song "Canada is Really Big". Is that Arrogant Worms or Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie?

    "Our mountains are very pointy!
    Our Praries are not....
    The rest is kind bumpy
    But man do we have a lot!"

    I am not sure Paul. Doesn't "nada" mean the same as "nothing", "zip", and "zilch"? That might offend the more affluent Canadians. But then again, on the other hand, it would seem that "nada" would be a good replacement for those who confuse the "Ohs" with "zeros". Who would have thought that a new PC anthem would raise so many issues?

    Wow Leigh-Ann. That is totally awkward. Just goes to show you that someone did think that we needed a more PC anthem and imagine, our anthem does not even have anything to do with bombs bursting in air! ;) LOL

    That would be the Arrogant Worms, Anna! I love "Pirates on the Saskatchewan". :)

    This is absolutely wonderful! I am always seen as a bit too "pc" here in Germany and now I know why :-)

    You're right, of course. Can't have "nothing" in the anthem.

    Ca ca ca ca.
    Ca ca ca ca ca ca.
    Ca ca ca ca. Ca ca ca ca ca ca.
    ca ca ca ca ca, ca ca ca ca ca,
    ca ca ca ca ca ca

    I'm about ready to keck.

    Yay! It works! :D

    My only concern is that singing about the "deuce" might create a bad image for Canada. :p

    You have taught me a new word, Paul. I will have to work "keck" into tonight's dinner conversation so as not to forget it! ;) LOL

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